Chester Bennington died yesterday, and it's really bothering me. It took me a day to figure out why.
It sucks being a survivor of sex abuse. There isn't a day that goes by when it doesn't pop into my head as some horrible flash of a memory, or wake me up in the middle of the night, heart racing with sweat beading on my forehead. Chester was a survivor too, he knew of the flashes and nightmares.
I don't know exactly how or why I was lucky enough not to fall into the substance abuse pit that consumes so many others. There were a lot of times over the years when I wished I could have muted my thoughts, hidden my fears, lost the pain...it's not that I didn't know how, but something helped me choose differently. I struggled, yet here I am. Still having nightmares, still trying to figure out how to get through just one more day. Because that's all you can do...get through one more day...and then one more...and then one more...
...but some people don't. How can someone who had so many resources, time and money and love & support not survive when some little girl from Lititz can? And THAT is what's been bothering me. I have some support, but not the biggies...not my parents, not my grandparents...my parents don't seem to believe me about what happened, despite my disturbingly detailed memories and accounts of what happened.
So, there's the issue...even with all of the time, money, & resources available to Chester, a celebrity, he couldn't survive...so, how have I? I'm not stronger or smarter or better equipped than anyone else to handle this.
My favorite Linkin Park song is a new one. It's my favorite because it feels like a perfect explanation of what is going on inside my head at any given moment...it's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmQ3QWpy1Q
I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Rest easy Chester...I'm still holding on...even though it is all too heavy...
Friday, July 21, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
Learning to drive stick shift...
I learned to drive in a minivan. It was automatic and huge. Compared to the Fiat I drive today, it was a tank. When I was looking for my first car the only requirement I had was that it be cute. I was 16, my priorities were a bit different than they are today...wait, nope, scratch that, I still make "Cute" a requirement in my car shopping adventures.
Anyways, the neighbor told us about a car that was for sale that needed a bit of work but was well within my very limited budget. The best part, that neighbor was a mechanic and agreed to fix the car, and as long as I would help, he wouldn't charge me for any of his labor. It was a lot of work, but after many weekends we finally had the car ready to hit the road. I just had to learn how to drive stick.
We did have a vehicle that was stick shift. It was a 2-seater. After failing to drive just down the street in that Chevy S-10 pickup truck which was 4 on the floor and had no power steering, I was scared that I would never get out of Elm in my cute little car. Dad took me to a couple parking lots and I was okay....chirped the tires a lot, puttered and stuttered until the neighbors were peeking out of their windows to see what was going on...at which point we would switch seats and I rode shotgun home. Then it happened.
We ran out of milk and I needed more to finish cooking dinner. In all of my practice, I had never tried to pull out on a hill because I didn't realize it would be such a challenge to learn. Dad was at work, the store was less than a mile away, so I got in the car. We lived on top of a hill, so I got moving right away with no problem. I went down that hill, up the second hill, down the second hill and arrived at the stop sign on the way up the third hill. I tried to pull out....and I stalled. Restarted, tried again, stalled. I don't know how many times I tried before I just let the car roll down the hill backwards until I hit level ground and drive home.
I called Dad on his cell while he was at work and told him my dilemma. He said, "All you have to do when you get to the intersection is set your e-brake. Then, slowly release the e-brake as you push on the gas and you'll be fine. You might chirp the tires or rev the engine a bit, but you'll be fine." Okay.
Confidence restored, I get back in the car and get to the end of the road and set my e-brake...with my left foot...because that's where it was...on the floor, to the left of the clutch. I sat for a solid 5 minutes trying to hold the clutch in with my toes and tapping the e-brake with my heel to get it to release, but not all at once...which didn't work. So, then I tried to hold the e-brake in part way with my left hand, the clutch with my left foot, gas with my right foot and steering wheel with my right hand, but I couldn't see if any cars were coming since my face was at my knees...it was probably really funny to watch. I eventually gave up, let the car roll backwards to flat ground and drove home. I called him back and told him I couldn't do it and he needed to stop on the way home for milk. He did his exasperated dad sigh and kind of grunted that I would be learning how to drive that evening come "Hell or High water..." He's pissed. Fabulous, I hate disappointing the parent
He comes home, grumbling, puts the milk in the fridge, grumbles, tosses my keys to me, and says"Get in the car." He's grumbling the whole time...I get out of the driveway - go down, up, down, and up the hills - he's still grumbling - and then we're at the end of the development and he kind of growls "Set your brake." So I put the car in neutral and set it with my left foot. At which point his eyes get big and he starts laughing. I'm on the verge of tears because I love my cute little car and I'm never going to get to drive it anywhere, and I'm a teenage girl and they cry over dumb stuff...and he's laughing.
He says "Why is the brake down there? It needs to be here in the center for the trick to work!" I sob harder, "so there's no trick when it's on the floor?" He's still laughing at me and says "Oh, there's a way." So I sniffled and said so how do I do it? How do I pull out on a hill? What's the trick?
His answer: "Look for cars, and when it's clear, just floor the bitch and go!"
And that, is my favorite Dad story, and how I learned to drive stick... :)
Anyways, the neighbor told us about a car that was for sale that needed a bit of work but was well within my very limited budget. The best part, that neighbor was a mechanic and agreed to fix the car, and as long as I would help, he wouldn't charge me for any of his labor. It was a lot of work, but after many weekends we finally had the car ready to hit the road. I just had to learn how to drive stick.
We did have a vehicle that was stick shift. It was a 2-seater. After failing to drive just down the street in that Chevy S-10 pickup truck which was 4 on the floor and had no power steering, I was scared that I would never get out of Elm in my cute little car. Dad took me to a couple parking lots and I was okay....chirped the tires a lot, puttered and stuttered until the neighbors were peeking out of their windows to see what was going on...at which point we would switch seats and I rode shotgun home. Then it happened.
We ran out of milk and I needed more to finish cooking dinner. In all of my practice, I had never tried to pull out on a hill because I didn't realize it would be such a challenge to learn. Dad was at work, the store was less than a mile away, so I got in the car. We lived on top of a hill, so I got moving right away with no problem. I went down that hill, up the second hill, down the second hill and arrived at the stop sign on the way up the third hill. I tried to pull out....and I stalled. Restarted, tried again, stalled. I don't know how many times I tried before I just let the car roll down the hill backwards until I hit level ground and drive home.
I called Dad on his cell while he was at work and told him my dilemma. He said, "All you have to do when you get to the intersection is set your e-brake. Then, slowly release the e-brake as you push on the gas and you'll be fine. You might chirp the tires or rev the engine a bit, but you'll be fine." Okay.
Confidence restored, I get back in the car and get to the end of the road and set my e-brake...with my left foot...because that's where it was...on the floor, to the left of the clutch. I sat for a solid 5 minutes trying to hold the clutch in with my toes and tapping the e-brake with my heel to get it to release, but not all at once...which didn't work. So, then I tried to hold the e-brake in part way with my left hand, the clutch with my left foot, gas with my right foot and steering wheel with my right hand, but I couldn't see if any cars were coming since my face was at my knees...it was probably really funny to watch. I eventually gave up, let the car roll backwards to flat ground and drove home. I called him back and told him I couldn't do it and he needed to stop on the way home for milk. He did his exasperated dad sigh and kind of grunted that I would be learning how to drive that evening come "Hell or High water..." He's pissed. Fabulous, I hate disappointing the parent
He comes home, grumbling, puts the milk in the fridge, grumbles, tosses my keys to me, and says"Get in the car." He's grumbling the whole time...I get out of the driveway - go down, up, down, and up the hills - he's still grumbling - and then we're at the end of the development and he kind of growls "Set your brake." So I put the car in neutral and set it with my left foot. At which point his eyes get big and he starts laughing. I'm on the verge of tears because I love my cute little car and I'm never going to get to drive it anywhere, and I'm a teenage girl and they cry over dumb stuff...and he's laughing.
He says "Why is the brake down there? It needs to be here in the center for the trick to work!" I sob harder, "so there's no trick when it's on the floor?" He's still laughing at me and says "Oh, there's a way." So I sniffled and said so how do I do it? How do I pull out on a hill? What's the trick?
His answer: "Look for cars, and when it's clear, just floor the bitch and go!"
And that, is my favorite Dad story, and how I learned to drive stick... :)
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