...some people can't survive...

Chester Bennington died yesterday, and it's really bothering me. It took me a day to figure out why.

It sucks being a survivor of sex abuse. There isn't a day that goes by when it doesn't pop into my head as some horrible flash of a memory, or wake me up in the middle of the night, heart racing with sweat beading on my forehead. Chester was a survivor too, he knew of the flashes and nightmares.

I don't know exactly how or why I was lucky enough not to fall into the substance abuse pit that consumes so many others. There were a lot of times over the years when I wished I could have muted my thoughts, hidden my fears, lost the pain...it's not that I didn't know how, but something helped me choose differently. I struggled, yet here I am. Still having nightmares, still trying to figure out how to get through just one more day. Because that's all you can do...get through one more day...and then one more...and then one more...

...but some people don't. How can someone who had so many resources, time and money and love & support not survive when some little girl from Lititz can?  And THAT is what's been bothering me. I have some support, but not the biggies...not my parents, not my grandparents...my parents don't seem to believe me about what happened, despite my disturbingly detailed memories and accounts of what happened.

So, there's the issue...even with all of the time, money, & resources available to Chester, a celebrity, he couldn't survive...so, how have I? I'm not stronger or smarter or better equipped than anyone else to handle this. 

My favorite Linkin Park song is a new one. It's my favorite because it feels like a perfect explanation of what is going on inside my head at any given moment...it's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmQ3QWpy1Q

I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Rest easy Chester...I'm still holding on...even though it is all too heavy...