Last year I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I went to the Rheumatologist after a battery of blood tests and evaluations by physical therapists. I'm not trying to whine. I just need to put it all down to process it all. There's just a lot of layers to it...I try not to let it rule my days, but some days it just kicks my ass. This week has been full of those days...all of the days actually. Yesterday, I just cried a bit when I laid down.
I don't sleep well. I'm tired when I wake up. I can hardly stand up - the arthritis in my feet and ankles makes it feel like they could shatter at any moment if I step down too hard. Mornings are a scramble of getting myself ready for work, feeding the dog, feeding the cat, waking the toddler, feeding the toddler, wrestling clothes onto the toddler. Rushing around to get out the door on time to drop him at the sitter, fight traffic, get the car parked, and get up to my office so I punch in on time...The whole day I kept on my "regular" happy face so that no one would know how much I was hurting. So, lets talk about what was going on inside of me yesterday...
My head was killing me. There were three distinct places where it felt like I was being stabbed, repeatedly. My right eye would twitch a few times, then just start tearing uncontrollably. When that stopped, I could feel the right side of my face drooping, like it did when I first had my concussion. It was a bit scary. My smiles were crooked, my speech sort of sloppy sounding - I just couldn't keep that side of my face under control.
My arms were tingling from the elbow down most of the day. That pins and needles kind of tingling that is damn near impossible to ignore. My fingertips were like ice cubes, despite the fact that I type nearly all day. My computer screens at work are dimmed down so far that when people first see them they don't realize that they are actually on.
I keep an oil diffuser running on my desk, spraying out a constant mist of "stress relief blend." The whole day I struggle with some of the most mundane tasks...things that shouldn't cause me to pause and think...how to format a document, where did I put my pen, how do I sign my name...my brain is cloudy.
My stomach was a mess. I ate some crackers which only seemed to make it angry. I drank 3 quarts of water while I was at work. I think I peed about 14 times...I was counting in my head, but like a lot of things I forgot part of it, I can't remember if I counted that last time before I punched out. I'm hungry, but can't eat. I have no idea what the reaction will be - will I get stabbing stomach pains, will I need to throw up, that's going to make my head hurt more....
My hips were on fire. They literally were hot to the touch. And tight - it feels like something is pressing on them making it nearly impossible to walk at times. When I stand up, my legs weigh about 1,000 pounds each. My knees feel like ice, and like a knife is being driven under my knee cap. I sit back down, and the twitching starts. My legs just randomly tighten completely and jump - I can't make them stop until I stand back up.
Walking is tough. The legs are heavy, hips are tight, head is pounding...and that's probably why I've started falling about once a week. Once my co-worker leaves early for an appointment, I turn off the office lights...the fluorescent lights are brutal. It helps a bit. I wish I could just turn the ones above my desk off.
I finally get home - I want to relax - my family has other plans. Dishes need washed, dirty laundry collected, clean laundry put away, dinner cooked, toddler fed, we're potty training, toddler is harassing the dog, then the cat, let's play with cars, now we need to color, time for puzzles, dog needs out, dog needs back in, spilled baby powder on the floor so that needs vacuumed, clean up dinner, wash more dishes, pack toddler's bag for tomorrow, put away dinner dishes, refill toddler's cups for tomorrow, clean up toys, clean up crayons, clean up puzzles, put on pajamas, wash faces, brush teeth, put pajamas back on toddler who ripped them off while I was peeing....it's nine o'clock and the only time I've sat down since getting home was the few minutes that I had to eat dinner. I'm sort of stumbling/limping around. I'm spent. I crash into bed and just start crying. But not for too long. I just sort of was overflowing inside and the tears just spilled out. I need to keep it together...I have to do it all again tomorrow...
Friday, June 22, 2018
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Graduation
My attempt at passing along advice to graduates...
Congratulations! Graduation is such an exciting time - the ceremony, the pictures, all the crazy people like me trying impart some knowledge in you...Now you get to begin the next big part of your journey. It feels like ages ago for me, but I can remember it like it was only yesterday...
Starting a new chapter can be fun, exhilarating, refreshing...and scary. When your ever-present side-kicks are anxiety and depression it can be hard to see through the fear to find the fun. I know, because I've been there. So, I'm going to share some things that I've stumbled over, lessons I've learned the hard way, and a few things that I wish someone would have told me a long time ago...
Your attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure...Choose the Adventure!
You cannot make others change. But when you change your reaction to them, you are changing not only how they see you, but also your entire relationship.
The toughest moments are the best lessons. Too many people waste a lot of energy trying to avoid what is difficult. Those moments are truly the best opportunities for growth.
You're human - don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake...We all do! If you're not making mistakes, you can't learn from them.
When things start to upset you, remember how little it will matter at the end of the day. Can you remember something that upset you a year ago? Are you still upset & stressing about it? Most likely those things have faded and quite possibly are completely forgotten, so don't let something silly ruin your day.
No one is given a good life or a bad life - we are all just given a life, and everyday we must choose to make it a good one. Believe that you were not born to feel defeated, guilty, ashamed, or unworthy...you were born to be victorious! If you could spend like 8 years believing in Santa, you can believe in yourself for five minutes...then 10 minutes...then an hour...
It's okay to cry - and cry hard sometimes - as long as you eventually grab a tissue to wipe away the tears as you stand up to face whatever made you cry. You can make it through any obstacle that presents itself. You've already survived all of the absolute toughest, worst days you've had so far.
Find what brings you joy and nurture it - maybe it's a hobby that you'll be lucky enough to turn into your career. Take your time - It's not a sprint. No one is ahead or behind. No one is more advanced or enlightened. It's not really a contest - we are all exactly where we need to be.
Never stop learning. In life, we are all teachers and we are all students, it just depends on the day.
Don't let perfection be the enemy of what is good in your life. Perfection is an illusion, a mirage. Don't beat yourself up over what goes awry. Instead celebrate what goes well. judge yourself only in comparison to who you used to be - as long as you're improving over time, you're doing something right. Embrace the sweet spot between settling and total perfection. No one is happy when they settle & perfection isn't real.
Live your life unapologetically. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Sometimes you'll get confused looks, but they're just jealous of your shine.
Don't be afraid of being you ~ unapologetically, unabashedly you. At the end of every day the only person you need to reconcile your actions, feelings, and beliefs with is you. If that makes you a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, rock the hell out of the color pink.
Be Kind - Always. I recently challenged myself to do at least one kind thing a day for someone I've never met. I buy a cup of coffee for the person behind me in line, put quarters in the machines at the store for little kids, smile at strangers on the street. It doesn't need to be a big expensive gesture - but every kindness will put a smile in your heart. If you have the ability to give a bit of kindness, do it. The world needs more of that.
Every atom in your body comes from exploded stars. And the atoms in your right hand are probably from a different star than the ones in your left hand. You are all stardust ~ how poetic is that?!
The two most powerful words i know are "I am." You shape your entire reality by what you put behind them...
You are 75% water...the very same kind of water that wears stones into sand...
When you feel weak or vulnerable look in the mirror & take a deep breath. As you feel the air going into your lungs remember that air is what fuels fires capable of destroying everything it touches...
...You are so very, very much...
Congratulations! Graduation is such an exciting time - the ceremony, the pictures, all the crazy people like me trying impart some knowledge in you...Now you get to begin the next big part of your journey. It feels like ages ago for me, but I can remember it like it was only yesterday...
Starting a new chapter can be fun, exhilarating, refreshing...and scary. When your ever-present side-kicks are anxiety and depression it can be hard to see through the fear to find the fun. I know, because I've been there. So, I'm going to share some things that I've stumbled over, lessons I've learned the hard way, and a few things that I wish someone would have told me a long time ago...
Your attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure...Choose the Adventure!
You cannot make others change. But when you change your reaction to them, you are changing not only how they see you, but also your entire relationship.
The toughest moments are the best lessons. Too many people waste a lot of energy trying to avoid what is difficult. Those moments are truly the best opportunities for growth.
You're human - don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake...We all do! If you're not making mistakes, you can't learn from them.
When things start to upset you, remember how little it will matter at the end of the day. Can you remember something that upset you a year ago? Are you still upset & stressing about it? Most likely those things have faded and quite possibly are completely forgotten, so don't let something silly ruin your day.
No one is given a good life or a bad life - we are all just given a life, and everyday we must choose to make it a good one. Believe that you were not born to feel defeated, guilty, ashamed, or unworthy...you were born to be victorious! If you could spend like 8 years believing in Santa, you can believe in yourself for five minutes...then 10 minutes...then an hour...
It's okay to cry - and cry hard sometimes - as long as you eventually grab a tissue to wipe away the tears as you stand up to face whatever made you cry. You can make it through any obstacle that presents itself. You've already survived all of the absolute toughest, worst days you've had so far.
Find what brings you joy and nurture it - maybe it's a hobby that you'll be lucky enough to turn into your career. Take your time - It's not a sprint. No one is ahead or behind. No one is more advanced or enlightened. It's not really a contest - we are all exactly where we need to be.
Never stop learning. In life, we are all teachers and we are all students, it just depends on the day.
Don't let perfection be the enemy of what is good in your life. Perfection is an illusion, a mirage. Don't beat yourself up over what goes awry. Instead celebrate what goes well. judge yourself only in comparison to who you used to be - as long as you're improving over time, you're doing something right. Embrace the sweet spot between settling and total perfection. No one is happy when they settle & perfection isn't real.
Live your life unapologetically. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Sometimes you'll get confused looks, but they're just jealous of your shine.
Don't be afraid of being you ~ unapologetically, unabashedly you. At the end of every day the only person you need to reconcile your actions, feelings, and beliefs with is you. If that makes you a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, rock the hell out of the color pink.
Be Kind - Always. I recently challenged myself to do at least one kind thing a day for someone I've never met. I buy a cup of coffee for the person behind me in line, put quarters in the machines at the store for little kids, smile at strangers on the street. It doesn't need to be a big expensive gesture - but every kindness will put a smile in your heart. If you have the ability to give a bit of kindness, do it. The world needs more of that.
Every atom in your body comes from exploded stars. And the atoms in your right hand are probably from a different star than the ones in your left hand. You are all stardust ~ how poetic is that?!
The two most powerful words i know are "I am." You shape your entire reality by what you put behind them...
- I am strong
- I am resilient
- I am trying my best
- I am valuable
- I am not perfect, but I am the perfect me
- I am not giving up
- I am empathetic
- I am a warrior, ready to conquer
- I am not broken
- I am loving
- I am taking things one day at a time
- I am independent
- I am human
- I am a survivor
You are 75% water...the very same kind of water that wears stones into sand...
When you feel weak or vulnerable look in the mirror & take a deep breath. As you feel the air going into your lungs remember that air is what fuels fires capable of destroying everything it touches...
...You are so very, very much...
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