Last year I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I went to the Rheumatologist after a battery of blood tests and evaluations by physical therapists. I'm not trying to whine. I just need to put it all down to process it all. There's just a lot of layers to it...I try not to let it rule my days, but some days it just kicks my ass. This week has been full of those days...all of the days actually. Yesterday, I just cried a bit when I laid down.
I don't sleep well. I'm tired when I wake up. I can hardly stand up - the arthritis in my feet and ankles makes it feel like they could shatter at any moment if I step down too hard. Mornings are a scramble of getting myself ready for work, feeding the dog, feeding the cat, waking the toddler, feeding the toddler, wrestling clothes onto the toddler. Rushing around to get out the door on time to drop him at the sitter, fight traffic, get the car parked, and get up to my office so I punch in on time...The whole day I kept on my "regular" happy face so that no one would know how much I was hurting. So, lets talk about what was going on inside of me yesterday...
My head was killing me. There were three distinct places where it felt like I was being stabbed, repeatedly. My right eye would twitch a few times, then just start tearing uncontrollably. When that stopped, I could feel the right side of my face drooping, like it did when I first had my concussion. It was a bit scary. My smiles were crooked, my speech sort of sloppy sounding - I just couldn't keep that side of my face under control.
My arms were tingling from the elbow down most of the day. That pins and needles kind of tingling that is damn near impossible to ignore. My fingertips were like ice cubes, despite the fact that I type nearly all day. My computer screens at work are dimmed down so far that when people first see them they don't realize that they are actually on.
I keep an oil diffuser running on my desk, spraying out a constant mist of "stress relief blend." The whole day I struggle with some of the most mundane tasks...things that shouldn't cause me to pause and think...how to format a document, where did I put my pen, how do I sign my name...my brain is cloudy.
My stomach was a mess. I ate some crackers which only seemed to make it angry. I drank 3 quarts of water while I was at work. I think I peed about 14 times...I was counting in my head, but like a lot of things I forgot part of it, I can't remember if I counted that last time before I punched out. I'm hungry, but can't eat. I have no idea what the reaction will be - will I get stabbing stomach pains, will I need to throw up, that's going to make my head hurt more....
My hips were on fire. They literally were hot to the touch. And tight - it feels like something is pressing on them making it nearly impossible to walk at times. When I stand up, my legs weigh about 1,000 pounds each. My knees feel like ice, and like a knife is being driven under my knee cap. I sit back down, and the twitching starts. My legs just randomly tighten completely and jump - I can't make them stop until I stand back up.
Walking is tough. The legs are heavy, hips are tight, head is pounding...and that's probably why I've started falling about once a week. Once my co-worker leaves early for an appointment, I turn off the office lights...the fluorescent lights are brutal. It helps a bit. I wish I could just turn the ones above my desk off.
I finally get home - I want to relax - my family has other plans. Dishes need washed, dirty laundry collected, clean laundry put away, dinner cooked, toddler fed, we're potty training, toddler is harassing the dog, then the cat, let's play with cars, now we need to color, time for puzzles, dog needs out, dog needs back in, spilled baby powder on the floor so that needs vacuumed, clean up dinner, wash more dishes, pack toddler's bag for tomorrow, put away dinner dishes, refill toddler's cups for tomorrow, clean up toys, clean up crayons, clean up puzzles, put on pajamas, wash faces, brush teeth, put pajamas back on toddler who ripped them off while I was peeing....it's nine o'clock and the only time I've sat down since getting home was the few minutes that I had to eat dinner. I'm sort of stumbling/limping around. I'm spent. I crash into bed and just start crying. But not for too long. I just sort of was overflowing inside and the tears just spilled out. I need to keep it together...I have to do it all again tomorrow...
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