Mommy dearest...

My birth mother is a terrible person. She has cheated on every man she's been with and lied about the paternity of her kids. She forced us to cover her tracks when we were too young to realize what was happening, and when I grew up and realized what was going on and confronted her, the physical abuse that was already happening became much worse. I went to school with welts, bruises, a fractured cheek bone, fractured ribs...

The school called Children and Youth, the neighbors called them too. Presumably they were understaffed - no one ever checked on us in person.

The school tried calling the man on my birth certificate. They didn't have his number, she made sure the school didn't know how to reach him. But I gave it to them when they asked for it. They added it to my permanent file...They called him at least once without me, but refused to tell me how it went, except that it was not the outcome they hoped for. At the time I remember hoping that the phone call had at least set things into motion to get me out of her house. It had not. The last time they called him I begged them not to - I knew he wouldn't do anything. I had tried to have conversations about things, to explain just a tiny bit of what was going on a few different times. I had driven up there the weekend before - illegally since I only had my permit at the time - and he didn't help. I'll never forget that conversation - I started trying to tell him what had happened that week, and he literally held up his hand and said "I'm going to stop you right there. I divorced her. She stopped being my problem years ago. You need to handle things with her." There was no sense in persisting - he wasn't going to help me - so I got in the car and drove back. But, my guidance counselor insisted on calling. I told him that it was a waste of a phone call, but he dialed anyways, saying that he was sure that once he explained everything that I wouldn't have to go back to my mother. Spoiler - I had to go back to my mother. And the birth father told her that the school called - that night ended painfully for me. The next day I made my counselor promise to never call him again. I watched him cross out the phone number in my file.

My mother is crazy - literally. She should be locked away in a padded room, under heavy sedation and armed guards. She will be the sweetest person to your face, and the minute you walk away she begins plotting how she can destroy you. It gives her joy to hurt others (mentally, emotionally, and definitely physically), and the closer your relationship, the happier she is when she cracks through and begins hurting you. If she can make you cry, she's giddy - probably for days. Like a beaten dog, I spent years going back only to be broken again. I did eventually sever ties in an effort to protect my oldest son. She's never seen my youngest in person. My mother taught me everything NOT to do as a parent.

I never remember my mother hugging me. I have no memory of her ever telling me she loved me, or that I was good enough. I once got berated for getting a B on my report card...I won't talk about the  C in Honors Chemistry...

I tell my kids everyday that I love them. I hug them (even if it embarrasses the big one) every chance that I get. I do my best to make sure they realize that they are everything to me - that my world wouldn't be complete without them. That they saved me from me. I would never do anything to intentionally cause them pain - I can only hope they know that my world revolves around them. Maybe it's because I struggled to have kids, but maybe feeling that way is just how moms are supposed to feel about their kids.

All that being said, my birth mother has decided that she would like to terrorize my first born. Our relationship ended with her about 10 years ago because I just couldn't do it any longer. The day that shattered my relationship with her was one that shook me to my core and made me realize that she was evil incarnate. I had to accept that for my own sanity and my son's safety no relationship could exist. I just could not go on having a connection to someone like that, and I certainly was not going to expose my son to that type of evil.  She's tried numerous times to talk to him - cornering him at public events, embarrassing him in front of his friends, telling him that she has stockpiled gifts and money for him so that he can move away from me and the terrible life I'm providing. She has other family members that are estranged from my kids and myself trying to engage him too - because he has, up until now, politely ignored her attempts to connect. But today, she crossed a line.

She found where he works. It's small business Saturday and he works at a small business. It's retail, she spotted him. It's the one flaw with living in a small town...eventually you run into everyone, including those people you really don't want to run into. I don't know if she lives local or was just back in town for the holiday. She was waiting in line and was told to go to the next register, but she refused and pointed at my son's register - she wanted to go to that one. She got there and told him that he should just secretly communicate with her - that I am just keeping him away from her for no good reason. He kept his cool and told her that he wouldn't sneak around to talk to her because he didn't want a relationship with her and declined giving her his number...then she asked for a discount. I guess she was hoping to leave with SOMETHING from him.

So, now she knows where he works and I'm afraid she may go back if she is living locally. I'm afraid that even though he was collected today, that if she keeps poking at him, he may not be polite next time. I'm worried that she'll go back in a manic outburst and make a scene if he refuses to talk to her. I'm afraid that she could turn violent on him, strangers, anyone that gets in her way.

After all, she's done it before.