My birth mother is a terrible person. She has cheated on every man she's been with and lied about the paternity of her kids. She forced us to cover her tracks when we were too young to realize what was happening, and when I grew up and realized what was going on and confronted her, the physical abuse that was already happening became much worse. I went to school with welts, bruises, a fractured cheek bone, fractured ribs...
The school called Children and Youth, the neighbors called them too. Presumably they were understaffed - no one ever checked on us in person.
The school tried calling the man on my birth certificate. They didn't have his number, she made sure the school didn't know how to reach him. But I gave it to them when they asked for it. They added it to my permanent file...They called him at least once without me, but refused to tell me how it went, except that it was not the outcome they hoped for. At the time I remember hoping that the phone call had at least set things into motion to get me out of her house. It had not. The last time they called him I begged them not to - I knew he wouldn't do anything. I had tried to have conversations about things, to explain just a tiny bit of what was going on a few different times. I had driven up there the weekend before - illegally since I only had my permit at the time - and he didn't help. I'll never forget that conversation - I started trying to tell him what had happened that week, and he literally held up his hand and said "I'm going to stop you right there. I divorced her. She stopped being my problem years ago. You need to handle things with her." There was no sense in persisting - he wasn't going to help me - so I got in the car and drove back. But, my guidance counselor insisted on calling. I told him that it was a waste of a phone call, but he dialed anyways, saying that he was sure that once he explained everything that I wouldn't have to go back to my mother. Spoiler - I had to go back to my mother. And the birth father told her that the school called - that night ended painfully for me. The next day I made my counselor promise to never call him again. I watched him cross out the phone number in my file.
My mother is crazy - literally. She should be locked away in a padded room, under heavy sedation and armed guards. She will be the sweetest person to your face, and the minute you walk away she begins plotting how she can destroy you. It gives her joy to hurt others (mentally, emotionally, and definitely physically), and the closer your relationship, the happier she is when she cracks through and begins hurting you. If she can make you cry, she's giddy - probably for days. Like a beaten dog, I spent years going back only to be broken again. I did eventually sever ties in an effort to protect my oldest son. She's never seen my youngest in person. My mother taught me everything NOT to do as a parent.
I never remember my mother hugging me. I have no memory of her ever telling me she loved me, or that I was good enough. I once got berated for getting a B on my report card...I won't talk about the C in Honors Chemistry...
I tell my kids everyday that I love them. I hug them (even if it embarrasses the big one) every chance that I get. I do my best to make sure they realize that they are everything to me - that my world wouldn't be complete without them. That they saved me from me. I would never do anything to intentionally cause them pain - I can only hope they know that my world revolves around them. Maybe it's because I struggled to have kids, but maybe feeling that way is just how moms are supposed to feel about their kids.
All that being said, my birth mother has decided that she would like to terrorize my first born. Our relationship ended with her about 10 years ago because I just couldn't do it any longer. The day that shattered my relationship with her was one that shook me to my core and made me realize that she was evil incarnate. I had to accept that for my own sanity and my son's safety no relationship could exist. I just could not go on having a connection to someone like that, and I certainly was not going to expose my son to that type of evil. She's tried numerous times to talk to him - cornering him at public events, embarrassing him in front of his friends, telling him that she has stockpiled gifts and money for him so that he can move away from me and the terrible life I'm providing. She has other family members that are estranged from my kids and myself trying to engage him too - because he has, up until now, politely ignored her attempts to connect. But today, she crossed a line.
She found where he works. It's small business Saturday and he works at a small business. It's retail, she spotted him. It's the one flaw with living in a small town...eventually you run into everyone, including those people you really don't want to run into. I don't know if she lives local or was just back in town for the holiday. She was waiting in line and was told to go to the next register, but she refused and pointed at my son's register - she wanted to go to that one. She got there and told him that he should just secretly communicate with her - that I am just keeping him away from her for no good reason. He kept his cool and told her that he wouldn't sneak around to talk to her because he didn't want a relationship with her and declined giving her his number...then she asked for a discount. I guess she was hoping to leave with SOMETHING from him.
So, now she knows where he works and I'm afraid she may go back if she is living locally. I'm afraid that even though he was collected today, that if she keeps poking at him, he may not be polite next time. I'm worried that she'll go back in a manic outburst and make a scene if he refuses to talk to her. I'm afraid that she could turn violent on him, strangers, anyone that gets in her way.
After all, she's done it before.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Friday, June 22, 2018
Fibro sucks...
Last year I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I went to the Rheumatologist after a battery of blood tests and evaluations by physical therapists. I'm not trying to whine. I just need to put it all down to process it all. There's just a lot of layers to it...I try not to let it rule my days, but some days it just kicks my ass. This week has been full of those days...all of the days actually. Yesterday, I just cried a bit when I laid down.
I don't sleep well. I'm tired when I wake up. I can hardly stand up - the arthritis in my feet and ankles makes it feel like they could shatter at any moment if I step down too hard. Mornings are a scramble of getting myself ready for work, feeding the dog, feeding the cat, waking the toddler, feeding the toddler, wrestling clothes onto the toddler. Rushing around to get out the door on time to drop him at the sitter, fight traffic, get the car parked, and get up to my office so I punch in on time...The whole day I kept on my "regular" happy face so that no one would know how much I was hurting. So, lets talk about what was going on inside of me yesterday...
My head was killing me. There were three distinct places where it felt like I was being stabbed, repeatedly. My right eye would twitch a few times, then just start tearing uncontrollably. When that stopped, I could feel the right side of my face drooping, like it did when I first had my concussion. It was a bit scary. My smiles were crooked, my speech sort of sloppy sounding - I just couldn't keep that side of my face under control.
My arms were tingling from the elbow down most of the day. That pins and needles kind of tingling that is damn near impossible to ignore. My fingertips were like ice cubes, despite the fact that I type nearly all day. My computer screens at work are dimmed down so far that when people first see them they don't realize that they are actually on.
I keep an oil diffuser running on my desk, spraying out a constant mist of "stress relief blend." The whole day I struggle with some of the most mundane tasks...things that shouldn't cause me to pause and think...how to format a document, where did I put my pen, how do I sign my name...my brain is cloudy.
My stomach was a mess. I ate some crackers which only seemed to make it angry. I drank 3 quarts of water while I was at work. I think I peed about 14 times...I was counting in my head, but like a lot of things I forgot part of it, I can't remember if I counted that last time before I punched out. I'm hungry, but can't eat. I have no idea what the reaction will be - will I get stabbing stomach pains, will I need to throw up, that's going to make my head hurt more....
My hips were on fire. They literally were hot to the touch. And tight - it feels like something is pressing on them making it nearly impossible to walk at times. When I stand up, my legs weigh about 1,000 pounds each. My knees feel like ice, and like a knife is being driven under my knee cap. I sit back down, and the twitching starts. My legs just randomly tighten completely and jump - I can't make them stop until I stand back up.
Walking is tough. The legs are heavy, hips are tight, head is pounding...and that's probably why I've started falling about once a week. Once my co-worker leaves early for an appointment, I turn off the office lights...the fluorescent lights are brutal. It helps a bit. I wish I could just turn the ones above my desk off.
I finally get home - I want to relax - my family has other plans. Dishes need washed, dirty laundry collected, clean laundry put away, dinner cooked, toddler fed, we're potty training, toddler is harassing the dog, then the cat, let's play with cars, now we need to color, time for puzzles, dog needs out, dog needs back in, spilled baby powder on the floor so that needs vacuumed, clean up dinner, wash more dishes, pack toddler's bag for tomorrow, put away dinner dishes, refill toddler's cups for tomorrow, clean up toys, clean up crayons, clean up puzzles, put on pajamas, wash faces, brush teeth, put pajamas back on toddler who ripped them off while I was peeing....it's nine o'clock and the only time I've sat down since getting home was the few minutes that I had to eat dinner. I'm sort of stumbling/limping around. I'm spent. I crash into bed and just start crying. But not for too long. I just sort of was overflowing inside and the tears just spilled out. I need to keep it together...I have to do it all again tomorrow...
I don't sleep well. I'm tired when I wake up. I can hardly stand up - the arthritis in my feet and ankles makes it feel like they could shatter at any moment if I step down too hard. Mornings are a scramble of getting myself ready for work, feeding the dog, feeding the cat, waking the toddler, feeding the toddler, wrestling clothes onto the toddler. Rushing around to get out the door on time to drop him at the sitter, fight traffic, get the car parked, and get up to my office so I punch in on time...The whole day I kept on my "regular" happy face so that no one would know how much I was hurting. So, lets talk about what was going on inside of me yesterday...
My head was killing me. There were three distinct places where it felt like I was being stabbed, repeatedly. My right eye would twitch a few times, then just start tearing uncontrollably. When that stopped, I could feel the right side of my face drooping, like it did when I first had my concussion. It was a bit scary. My smiles were crooked, my speech sort of sloppy sounding - I just couldn't keep that side of my face under control.
My arms were tingling from the elbow down most of the day. That pins and needles kind of tingling that is damn near impossible to ignore. My fingertips were like ice cubes, despite the fact that I type nearly all day. My computer screens at work are dimmed down so far that when people first see them they don't realize that they are actually on.
I keep an oil diffuser running on my desk, spraying out a constant mist of "stress relief blend." The whole day I struggle with some of the most mundane tasks...things that shouldn't cause me to pause and think...how to format a document, where did I put my pen, how do I sign my name...my brain is cloudy.
My stomach was a mess. I ate some crackers which only seemed to make it angry. I drank 3 quarts of water while I was at work. I think I peed about 14 times...I was counting in my head, but like a lot of things I forgot part of it, I can't remember if I counted that last time before I punched out. I'm hungry, but can't eat. I have no idea what the reaction will be - will I get stabbing stomach pains, will I need to throw up, that's going to make my head hurt more....
My hips were on fire. They literally were hot to the touch. And tight - it feels like something is pressing on them making it nearly impossible to walk at times. When I stand up, my legs weigh about 1,000 pounds each. My knees feel like ice, and like a knife is being driven under my knee cap. I sit back down, and the twitching starts. My legs just randomly tighten completely and jump - I can't make them stop until I stand back up.
Walking is tough. The legs are heavy, hips are tight, head is pounding...and that's probably why I've started falling about once a week. Once my co-worker leaves early for an appointment, I turn off the office lights...the fluorescent lights are brutal. It helps a bit. I wish I could just turn the ones above my desk off.
I finally get home - I want to relax - my family has other plans. Dishes need washed, dirty laundry collected, clean laundry put away, dinner cooked, toddler fed, we're potty training, toddler is harassing the dog, then the cat, let's play with cars, now we need to color, time for puzzles, dog needs out, dog needs back in, spilled baby powder on the floor so that needs vacuumed, clean up dinner, wash more dishes, pack toddler's bag for tomorrow, put away dinner dishes, refill toddler's cups for tomorrow, clean up toys, clean up crayons, clean up puzzles, put on pajamas, wash faces, brush teeth, put pajamas back on toddler who ripped them off while I was peeing....it's nine o'clock and the only time I've sat down since getting home was the few minutes that I had to eat dinner. I'm sort of stumbling/limping around. I'm spent. I crash into bed and just start crying. But not for too long. I just sort of was overflowing inside and the tears just spilled out. I need to keep it together...I have to do it all again tomorrow...
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Graduation
My attempt at passing along advice to graduates...
Congratulations! Graduation is such an exciting time - the ceremony, the pictures, all the crazy people like me trying impart some knowledge in you...Now you get to begin the next big part of your journey. It feels like ages ago for me, but I can remember it like it was only yesterday...
Starting a new chapter can be fun, exhilarating, refreshing...and scary. When your ever-present side-kicks are anxiety and depression it can be hard to see through the fear to find the fun. I know, because I've been there. So, I'm going to share some things that I've stumbled over, lessons I've learned the hard way, and a few things that I wish someone would have told me a long time ago...
Your attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure...Choose the Adventure!
You cannot make others change. But when you change your reaction to them, you are changing not only how they see you, but also your entire relationship.
The toughest moments are the best lessons. Too many people waste a lot of energy trying to avoid what is difficult. Those moments are truly the best opportunities for growth.
You're human - don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake...We all do! If you're not making mistakes, you can't learn from them.
When things start to upset you, remember how little it will matter at the end of the day. Can you remember something that upset you a year ago? Are you still upset & stressing about it? Most likely those things have faded and quite possibly are completely forgotten, so don't let something silly ruin your day.
No one is given a good life or a bad life - we are all just given a life, and everyday we must choose to make it a good one. Believe that you were not born to feel defeated, guilty, ashamed, or unworthy...you were born to be victorious! If you could spend like 8 years believing in Santa, you can believe in yourself for five minutes...then 10 minutes...then an hour...
It's okay to cry - and cry hard sometimes - as long as you eventually grab a tissue to wipe away the tears as you stand up to face whatever made you cry. You can make it through any obstacle that presents itself. You've already survived all of the absolute toughest, worst days you've had so far.
Find what brings you joy and nurture it - maybe it's a hobby that you'll be lucky enough to turn into your career. Take your time - It's not a sprint. No one is ahead or behind. No one is more advanced or enlightened. It's not really a contest - we are all exactly where we need to be.
Never stop learning. In life, we are all teachers and we are all students, it just depends on the day.
Don't let perfection be the enemy of what is good in your life. Perfection is an illusion, a mirage. Don't beat yourself up over what goes awry. Instead celebrate what goes well. judge yourself only in comparison to who you used to be - as long as you're improving over time, you're doing something right. Embrace the sweet spot between settling and total perfection. No one is happy when they settle & perfection isn't real.
Live your life unapologetically. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Sometimes you'll get confused looks, but they're just jealous of your shine.
Don't be afraid of being you ~ unapologetically, unabashedly you. At the end of every day the only person you need to reconcile your actions, feelings, and beliefs with is you. If that makes you a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, rock the hell out of the color pink.
Be Kind - Always. I recently challenged myself to do at least one kind thing a day for someone I've never met. I buy a cup of coffee for the person behind me in line, put quarters in the machines at the store for little kids, smile at strangers on the street. It doesn't need to be a big expensive gesture - but every kindness will put a smile in your heart. If you have the ability to give a bit of kindness, do it. The world needs more of that.
Every atom in your body comes from exploded stars. And the atoms in your right hand are probably from a different star than the ones in your left hand. You are all stardust ~ how poetic is that?!
The two most powerful words i know are "I am." You shape your entire reality by what you put behind them...
You are 75% water...the very same kind of water that wears stones into sand...
When you feel weak or vulnerable look in the mirror & take a deep breath. As you feel the air going into your lungs remember that air is what fuels fires capable of destroying everything it touches...
...You are so very, very much...
Congratulations! Graduation is such an exciting time - the ceremony, the pictures, all the crazy people like me trying impart some knowledge in you...Now you get to begin the next big part of your journey. It feels like ages ago for me, but I can remember it like it was only yesterday...
Starting a new chapter can be fun, exhilarating, refreshing...and scary. When your ever-present side-kicks are anxiety and depression it can be hard to see through the fear to find the fun. I know, because I've been there. So, I'm going to share some things that I've stumbled over, lessons I've learned the hard way, and a few things that I wish someone would have told me a long time ago...
Your attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure...Choose the Adventure!
You cannot make others change. But when you change your reaction to them, you are changing not only how they see you, but also your entire relationship.
The toughest moments are the best lessons. Too many people waste a lot of energy trying to avoid what is difficult. Those moments are truly the best opportunities for growth.
You're human - don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake...We all do! If you're not making mistakes, you can't learn from them.
When things start to upset you, remember how little it will matter at the end of the day. Can you remember something that upset you a year ago? Are you still upset & stressing about it? Most likely those things have faded and quite possibly are completely forgotten, so don't let something silly ruin your day.
No one is given a good life or a bad life - we are all just given a life, and everyday we must choose to make it a good one. Believe that you were not born to feel defeated, guilty, ashamed, or unworthy...you were born to be victorious! If you could spend like 8 years believing in Santa, you can believe in yourself for five minutes...then 10 minutes...then an hour...
It's okay to cry - and cry hard sometimes - as long as you eventually grab a tissue to wipe away the tears as you stand up to face whatever made you cry. You can make it through any obstacle that presents itself. You've already survived all of the absolute toughest, worst days you've had so far.
Find what brings you joy and nurture it - maybe it's a hobby that you'll be lucky enough to turn into your career. Take your time - It's not a sprint. No one is ahead or behind. No one is more advanced or enlightened. It's not really a contest - we are all exactly where we need to be.
Never stop learning. In life, we are all teachers and we are all students, it just depends on the day.
Don't let perfection be the enemy of what is good in your life. Perfection is an illusion, a mirage. Don't beat yourself up over what goes awry. Instead celebrate what goes well. judge yourself only in comparison to who you used to be - as long as you're improving over time, you're doing something right. Embrace the sweet spot between settling and total perfection. No one is happy when they settle & perfection isn't real.
Live your life unapologetically. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Sometimes you'll get confused looks, but they're just jealous of your shine.
Don't be afraid of being you ~ unapologetically, unabashedly you. At the end of every day the only person you need to reconcile your actions, feelings, and beliefs with is you. If that makes you a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, rock the hell out of the color pink.
Be Kind - Always. I recently challenged myself to do at least one kind thing a day for someone I've never met. I buy a cup of coffee for the person behind me in line, put quarters in the machines at the store for little kids, smile at strangers on the street. It doesn't need to be a big expensive gesture - but every kindness will put a smile in your heart. If you have the ability to give a bit of kindness, do it. The world needs more of that.
Every atom in your body comes from exploded stars. And the atoms in your right hand are probably from a different star than the ones in your left hand. You are all stardust ~ how poetic is that?!
The two most powerful words i know are "I am." You shape your entire reality by what you put behind them...
- I am strong
- I am resilient
- I am trying my best
- I am valuable
- I am not perfect, but I am the perfect me
- I am not giving up
- I am empathetic
- I am a warrior, ready to conquer
- I am not broken
- I am loving
- I am taking things one day at a time
- I am independent
- I am human
- I am a survivor
You are 75% water...the very same kind of water that wears stones into sand...
When you feel weak or vulnerable look in the mirror & take a deep breath. As you feel the air going into your lungs remember that air is what fuels fires capable of destroying everything it touches...
...You are so very, very much...
Friday, July 21, 2017
...some people can't survive...
Chester Bennington died yesterday, and it's really bothering me. It took me a day to figure out why.
It sucks being a survivor of sex abuse. There isn't a day that goes by when it doesn't pop into my head as some horrible flash of a memory, or wake me up in the middle of the night, heart racing with sweat beading on my forehead. Chester was a survivor too, he knew of the flashes and nightmares.
I don't know exactly how or why I was lucky enough not to fall into the substance abuse pit that consumes so many others. There were a lot of times over the years when I wished I could have muted my thoughts, hidden my fears, lost the pain...it's not that I didn't know how, but something helped me choose differently. I struggled, yet here I am. Still having nightmares, still trying to figure out how to get through just one more day. Because that's all you can do...get through one more day...and then one more...and then one more...
...but some people don't. How can someone who had so many resources, time and money and love & support not survive when some little girl from Lititz can? And THAT is what's been bothering me. I have some support, but not the biggies...not my parents, not my grandparents...my parents don't seem to believe me about what happened, despite my disturbingly detailed memories and accounts of what happened.
So, there's the issue...even with all of the time, money, & resources available to Chester, a celebrity, he couldn't survive...so, how have I? I'm not stronger or smarter or better equipped than anyone else to handle this.
My favorite Linkin Park song is a new one. It's my favorite because it feels like a perfect explanation of what is going on inside my head at any given moment...it's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmQ3QWpy1Q
I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Rest easy Chester...I'm still holding on...even though it is all too heavy...
It sucks being a survivor of sex abuse. There isn't a day that goes by when it doesn't pop into my head as some horrible flash of a memory, or wake me up in the middle of the night, heart racing with sweat beading on my forehead. Chester was a survivor too, he knew of the flashes and nightmares.
I don't know exactly how or why I was lucky enough not to fall into the substance abuse pit that consumes so many others. There were a lot of times over the years when I wished I could have muted my thoughts, hidden my fears, lost the pain...it's not that I didn't know how, but something helped me choose differently. I struggled, yet here I am. Still having nightmares, still trying to figure out how to get through just one more day. Because that's all you can do...get through one more day...and then one more...and then one more...
...but some people don't. How can someone who had so many resources, time and money and love & support not survive when some little girl from Lititz can? And THAT is what's been bothering me. I have some support, but not the biggies...not my parents, not my grandparents...my parents don't seem to believe me about what happened, despite my disturbingly detailed memories and accounts of what happened.
So, there's the issue...even with all of the time, money, & resources available to Chester, a celebrity, he couldn't survive...so, how have I? I'm not stronger or smarter or better equipped than anyone else to handle this.
My favorite Linkin Park song is a new one. It's my favorite because it feels like a perfect explanation of what is going on inside my head at any given moment...it's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmQ3QWpy1Q
I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Rest easy Chester...I'm still holding on...even though it is all too heavy...
Friday, January 20, 2017
Learning to drive stick shift...
I learned to drive in a minivan. It was automatic and huge. Compared to the Fiat I drive today, it was a tank. When I was looking for my first car the only requirement I had was that it be cute. I was 16, my priorities were a bit different than they are today...wait, nope, scratch that, I still make "Cute" a requirement in my car shopping adventures.
Anyways, the neighbor told us about a car that was for sale that needed a bit of work but was well within my very limited budget. The best part, that neighbor was a mechanic and agreed to fix the car, and as long as I would help, he wouldn't charge me for any of his labor. It was a lot of work, but after many weekends we finally had the car ready to hit the road. I just had to learn how to drive stick.
We did have a vehicle that was stick shift. It was a 2-seater. After failing to drive just down the street in that Chevy S-10 pickup truck which was 4 on the floor and had no power steering, I was scared that I would never get out of Elm in my cute little car. Dad took me to a couple parking lots and I was okay....chirped the tires a lot, puttered and stuttered until the neighbors were peeking out of their windows to see what was going on...at which point we would switch seats and I rode shotgun home. Then it happened.
We ran out of milk and I needed more to finish cooking dinner. In all of my practice, I had never tried to pull out on a hill because I didn't realize it would be such a challenge to learn. Dad was at work, the store was less than a mile away, so I got in the car. We lived on top of a hill, so I got moving right away with no problem. I went down that hill, up the second hill, down the second hill and arrived at the stop sign on the way up the third hill. I tried to pull out....and I stalled. Restarted, tried again, stalled. I don't know how many times I tried before I just let the car roll down the hill backwards until I hit level ground and drive home.
I called Dad on his cell while he was at work and told him my dilemma. He said, "All you have to do when you get to the intersection is set your e-brake. Then, slowly release the e-brake as you push on the gas and you'll be fine. You might chirp the tires or rev the engine a bit, but you'll be fine." Okay.
Confidence restored, I get back in the car and get to the end of the road and set my e-brake...with my left foot...because that's where it was...on the floor, to the left of the clutch. I sat for a solid 5 minutes trying to hold the clutch in with my toes and tapping the e-brake with my heel to get it to release, but not all at once...which didn't work. So, then I tried to hold the e-brake in part way with my left hand, the clutch with my left foot, gas with my right foot and steering wheel with my right hand, but I couldn't see if any cars were coming since my face was at my knees...it was probably really funny to watch. I eventually gave up, let the car roll backwards to flat ground and drove home. I called him back and told him I couldn't do it and he needed to stop on the way home for milk. He did his exasperated dad sigh and kind of grunted that I would be learning how to drive that evening come "Hell or High water..." He's pissed. Fabulous, I hate disappointing the parent
He comes home, grumbling, puts the milk in the fridge, grumbles, tosses my keys to me, and says"Get in the car." He's grumbling the whole time...I get out of the driveway - go down, up, down, and up the hills - he's still grumbling - and then we're at the end of the development and he kind of growls "Set your brake." So I put the car in neutral and set it with my left foot. At which point his eyes get big and he starts laughing. I'm on the verge of tears because I love my cute little car and I'm never going to get to drive it anywhere, and I'm a teenage girl and they cry over dumb stuff...and he's laughing.
He says "Why is the brake down there? It needs to be here in the center for the trick to work!" I sob harder, "so there's no trick when it's on the floor?" He's still laughing at me and says "Oh, there's a way." So I sniffled and said so how do I do it? How do I pull out on a hill? What's the trick?
His answer: "Look for cars, and when it's clear, just floor the bitch and go!"
And that, is my favorite Dad story, and how I learned to drive stick... :)
Anyways, the neighbor told us about a car that was for sale that needed a bit of work but was well within my very limited budget. The best part, that neighbor was a mechanic and agreed to fix the car, and as long as I would help, he wouldn't charge me for any of his labor. It was a lot of work, but after many weekends we finally had the car ready to hit the road. I just had to learn how to drive stick.
We did have a vehicle that was stick shift. It was a 2-seater. After failing to drive just down the street in that Chevy S-10 pickup truck which was 4 on the floor and had no power steering, I was scared that I would never get out of Elm in my cute little car. Dad took me to a couple parking lots and I was okay....chirped the tires a lot, puttered and stuttered until the neighbors were peeking out of their windows to see what was going on...at which point we would switch seats and I rode shotgun home. Then it happened.
We ran out of milk and I needed more to finish cooking dinner. In all of my practice, I had never tried to pull out on a hill because I didn't realize it would be such a challenge to learn. Dad was at work, the store was less than a mile away, so I got in the car. We lived on top of a hill, so I got moving right away with no problem. I went down that hill, up the second hill, down the second hill and arrived at the stop sign on the way up the third hill. I tried to pull out....and I stalled. Restarted, tried again, stalled. I don't know how many times I tried before I just let the car roll down the hill backwards until I hit level ground and drive home.
I called Dad on his cell while he was at work and told him my dilemma. He said, "All you have to do when you get to the intersection is set your e-brake. Then, slowly release the e-brake as you push on the gas and you'll be fine. You might chirp the tires or rev the engine a bit, but you'll be fine." Okay.
Confidence restored, I get back in the car and get to the end of the road and set my e-brake...with my left foot...because that's where it was...on the floor, to the left of the clutch. I sat for a solid 5 minutes trying to hold the clutch in with my toes and tapping the e-brake with my heel to get it to release, but not all at once...which didn't work. So, then I tried to hold the e-brake in part way with my left hand, the clutch with my left foot, gas with my right foot and steering wheel with my right hand, but I couldn't see if any cars were coming since my face was at my knees...it was probably really funny to watch. I eventually gave up, let the car roll backwards to flat ground and drove home. I called him back and told him I couldn't do it and he needed to stop on the way home for milk. He did his exasperated dad sigh and kind of grunted that I would be learning how to drive that evening come "Hell or High water..." He's pissed. Fabulous, I hate disappointing the parent
He comes home, grumbling, puts the milk in the fridge, grumbles, tosses my keys to me, and says"Get in the car." He's grumbling the whole time...I get out of the driveway - go down, up, down, and up the hills - he's still grumbling - and then we're at the end of the development and he kind of growls "Set your brake." So I put the car in neutral and set it with my left foot. At which point his eyes get big and he starts laughing. I'm on the verge of tears because I love my cute little car and I'm never going to get to drive it anywhere, and I'm a teenage girl and they cry over dumb stuff...and he's laughing.
He says "Why is the brake down there? It needs to be here in the center for the trick to work!" I sob harder, "so there's no trick when it's on the floor?" He's still laughing at me and says "Oh, there's a way." So I sniffled and said so how do I do it? How do I pull out on a hill? What's the trick?
His answer: "Look for cars, and when it's clear, just floor the bitch and go!"
And that, is my favorite Dad story, and how I learned to drive stick... :)
Friday, July 11, 2014
Heartbreak
It's hard to see someone we love in pain. Right now a sweet relative is going through a tough breakup. Knowing how much a broken heart can hurt, I just want to sit her down and tell her it's all going to be okay. That he's a fool, and he is no doubt missing her. But, I know what she's feeling. Heartbreak is something that you never really get over. Just think about the last time your heart broke, that you physically felt pain at the loss of a love, and you can still feel a tinge of that pain all over again, no matter how much time has passed.
Instead, each day I try to just give one little snippet of something that I hope makes her smile; Something I wish someone would have told me when my heart was breaking.
I'm hoping her heart heals faster than most, that she takes the time to not just heal but to grow and become so much more than she would have been with him.
Losing a relationship is hard. The healing that has to happen afterwards is no different than mourning a death. It's not that we are mourning the loss of the person; Rather it is the death of a relationship, the loss of love, which leaves an empty feeling in our chest.
The old saying is that time heals a broken heart, and in a way it does. We cry a little less each day. It gets a bit easier to sleep with each passing night. We begin to realize that life goes on, and eventually we see that we are the author of our own story. The only way to ensure a happy life for ourselves is to get up each day and face the world with a smile on our face and an optimistic attitude. It isn't the time passing that heals us, rather it seems that we heal ourselves, it just takes a little time.
Some of the snippets I've shared with her so far:
"A woman's strength isn't just about how much she can handle before she breaks. It's also about how much she must handle after she's broken."
"One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go."
"Believe in happy endings. Because you are the author of the story of your life." (Douglas Pagels)
My credo is "Everything Happens for a Reason." I think heartbreaks can help us become more independent, more positive, maybe even a bit stronger.
Instead, each day I try to just give one little snippet of something that I hope makes her smile; Something I wish someone would have told me when my heart was breaking.
I'm hoping her heart heals faster than most, that she takes the time to not just heal but to grow and become so much more than she would have been with him.
Losing a relationship is hard. The healing that has to happen afterwards is no different than mourning a death. It's not that we are mourning the loss of the person; Rather it is the death of a relationship, the loss of love, which leaves an empty feeling in our chest.
The old saying is that time heals a broken heart, and in a way it does. We cry a little less each day. It gets a bit easier to sleep with each passing night. We begin to realize that life goes on, and eventually we see that we are the author of our own story. The only way to ensure a happy life for ourselves is to get up each day and face the world with a smile on our face and an optimistic attitude. It isn't the time passing that heals us, rather it seems that we heal ourselves, it just takes a little time.
Some of the snippets I've shared with her so far:
"A woman's strength isn't just about how much she can handle before she breaks. It's also about how much she must handle after she's broken."
"One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go."
"Believe in happy endings. Because you are the author of the story of your life." (Douglas Pagels)
My credo is "Everything Happens for a Reason." I think heartbreaks can help us become more independent, more positive, maybe even a bit stronger.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Philosophical short story
My philosophical short story...
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"Out with the old, in with the new," the woman
said to herself as she churned the dirt in the garden. No one else was there,
but that didn't mean nothing heard her. This was the first year she had to do
the spring yard work by herself, but she knew that she was not truly alone in
her garden.
Winter had been a season of loss and change for the
woman. She lost her husband unexpectedly and found herself alone for the first
time in her life. Not just physically alone in the home they once shared, but
alone in her thoughts, alone in her fears, alone in her dreams. The plans they
once had for the future seemed unattainable without him. She spent the winter
mourning not just the loss of her husband, but the loss of her goals, and
dreams, and plans.
They once took comfort in going to church on Sunday, but
since his passing she had become the object of stares and the subject of too
many whispers. She took no comfort from her church and had since stopped going,
which made her chuckle to herself at times because now she was surely the topic
of even more gossip than before.
She missed the idea of going to church and hearing the
parables that were told there. She never went to be saved or free herself from
guilt; She simply enjoyed hearing the stories and the lessons. The last time
she went she sat in a pew off to one side alone. She sang the hymns, stood when
she was supposed to, knelt in prayer with the others, but felt isolated. The looks
and hushed whispers that were about her did not go unnoticed. She felt their
stares, could hear the whispers. While everyone felt comfortable talking about
her, no one would talk to her since her loss. They attended the funeral and
offered some nice words that day; The platitudes of "Call if you need
anything, " and "We'll have dinner sometime next week" were all
spoken many times to her that day. The trouble was no one followed through,
presumably because they did not know what to say to bring her comfort. And that
was okay, because she didn't know what she needed.
It was a cold January night when she stumbled across a
website which she found oddly comforting. She had gone to a few counseling
sessions and joined a support group, but nothing seemed to help ease the
turmoil she was feeling inside. It wasn't something she could explain to others
with words, it was just an unease that would not seem to quit or let her rest.
That night, she read about the interconnectedness of all things in the universe;
Of how all living things emit an energy and that shared energy flowed freely
around all of us. She read of times when people worshipped the earth, not just
for the life it supported, but for the life it provided to the trees, and the
plants, and the water. She was mesmerized for hours. She had finally found
something that clicked. She finally found something comforting. When she
climbed into bed that night, she sighed a peaceful sigh and drifted into a restful
sleep.
When she awoke the next morning, she was well rested and
eager to come up with a plan for her future. Winter was still holding firm
outside, but spring was just around the corner. She looked around her home
which still felt veiled in sadness and knew that it was time to make a few
changes. She started with small things; A new rug for the hallway in a bold
pink pattern, a new shower curtain, new bedding. Each small change made her
feel a bit better, brighter, more hopeful. It seemed silly to think that a new
rug could make her feel better, but it wasn't just the rug, it was that she had
made and accepted a change. She was taking control of her feelings, one small
change at a time. Her biggest project was yet to come.
When the
inside of the home started to feel alive, she knew that she would need to
tackle the outdoors. She had a plan for that. She planted several pots full of
seeds so that when spring finally arrived she would be ready to brighten up the
outside just as she had the indoors. She wanted to feel the interconnectedness
that she had read about. She was still seeking some level of peace and seemed
to realize the serenity that could come from reconnecting herself to the world
around her.
When spring finally arrived, she started with a small
corner of the backyard. When they bought the home several years ago, there was
little more than grass growing in the yard. Excited at the blank canvas that
the yard offered, they talked about what types of trees to plant and what sort
of flowers would grow best. Once they moved into the home other projects took
precedence over beautifying the yard. Things like replacing worn carpet,
repairing leaky faucets, and installing a new water heater ate up the flower
budget each year. With a small bit of insurance money left after the final
expenses were paid, she knew that this was the year that the yard would finally
be graced with a wave of color and growth. As she peeled back the grass and
worked the soil loose, she could feel an energy like none she had experienced
before. "Out with the old, in with the new," she said as she breathed
in deeply the smell of the fresh soil and damp moss. The crunch of the dry
leaves rang in her ears and the more she worked the less she heard a crunch and
the more she heard the world around her coming alive.
She planted an apple tree first. She loved the beautiful
blossoms they wore in the late spring and hoped that one day she might be able
to enjoy a homegrown apple. As she dug the hole she found herself humming; She
was enjoying this immensely. She hadn't felt happy in months, but she was
finding joy, one shovelful at a time. As she was placing the tree into the
ground she looked at the roots; There was an intricate pattern woven as they
grew. The roots themselves looked like a tree, their growth slowly stretching
and expanding its reach; The roots grew while searching for water, tree
branches and leaves searching for sunlight. As she looked at the roots, she was
saddened at the thought of never seeing them again one they were buried in the
ground and it reminded her of the heartache that came when she buried her
beloved. She fell back to the ground and just laid there for a few minutes,
letting her tears flow freely. She felt the sun on her face and the grass on
her cheek and took comfort from both. As she sat back up and wiped her tears
from with earth covered hands, she realized that in order for her to eventually
enjoy the beautiful spring apple blossoms and one day eat a homegrown apple,
she had to bury the roots to allow the tree to grow. She may never see the
roots again, but she would see the growth and know that the beauty of the roots
still existed, even though she could not see it anymore. She slowly came to
realize that the same was also true for herself. She had to bury a piece of her
life, but that did not mean that she was no longer able to feel the love they
once shared or that the beauty of their life together was gone. It was simply
in a different place and in order to fulfill her destiny she had to allow
herself to fulfill it. She saw the tree as a metaphor for her life. And
suddenly, the garden took on a whole new meaning for her. It was more than just
making the yard more beautiful, it was a way to heal her heart. She was not just
working on a project they planned together, she was working on herself. She was
finding her new path; She was fulfilling her destiny.
Once the apple tree was tucked snugly into the earth she
looked at the rest of the yard and could hardly wait for what was to come. As
she was planting the seedlings that she had started in pots over the winter she
marveled at the wonder of the seeds. When they were placed in the pot, they
were tiny, and each was a perfect replica of the other. They all looked just
the same as each other, neat little pods holding limitless potential. Now, as
she pulled the little plants from the soil, the seed was gone. In place of the
seed a new plant with a delicate root system and tiny leaves was growing. Where
she once had twenty seeds that all looked the same as each other, she now had
twenty unique little plants ready to grow where they were planted. Instead of
mourning the loss of the seeds, she marveled at the new plants. She was amazed
at how something so magical could exist in something as small as a seed. What
magic could lie within her? The lessons that the seeds offered seemed to ring
true to her life as well. She realized that like a seed she too had been in a
dark place. The seed had to crack and break down completely to realize its full
potential. The insides of the seed poured out in the dark that came from being
buried in the soil, changing the entirety of its existence. Before she had to
face her own growth through heartbreak she, like many others, would have seen
what happened to the seed as nothing more than destruction. Now, she realized
that in order for the seed to grow, the change was necessary. Like the seed,
she too had broken down; Her months of mourning had changed her. Only after
seeing the seeds did she realize that the change could have a positive outcome.
She had struggled with her loss and the changes that it inevitably brought, but
thanks to the seeds she realized that growth can only come from change. As she planted the last of the flowers that
she had dedicated to that area of the yard, she was eager to see what she could
learn from the rest of her garden.
She had learned about butterfly gardens while at a local
greenhouse and decided that she would like to make one in her own yard. She
again peeled back the grass and turned to soil loose to prepare it for the new
plants she was about to place. She had gotten herself a butterfly bush and
several other plants that were proven to draw butterflies wherever they were
planted. She had also found a butterfly house and feeder which she was eager to
see used by the beautiful creatures she hoped to draw to her yard. It was only
a matter of hours before the fluttering friends showed up. She was putting the
final plants in the ground when a butterfly landed on the back of her hand. She
paused for a moment to observe the beauty of the pattern on the wings, the
delicate texture of the body, and the tiny antennae reaching out from the
butterfly's head. The butterfly took flight but landed again on the butterfly
bush, next to a small caterpillar. It was then that the woman again saw how
something beautiful could exist in the most unexpected of places. The caterpillar
was green and seemed unremarkable now, but next summer it would be as beautiful
as the butterfly that it was now sitting next to. She recognized too how
fleeting things can be when she realized that the beautiful butterfly would not
be alive next summer. As she sat marveling at what she had learned from the
butterflies and the garden she planted for them she smiled. The lesson learned
was one she certainly needed; We spend life fighting to maintain what we know
and love, because change is never easy. When talking about loss and love, we
fight to hold on while we have it, and we struggle to let go when we lose it,
oftentimes missing the beauty that exists in what we are and what we have. Beautiful
things can come from change.
The garden was coming together but she felt that
something was missing. She stepped back to take a look at the whole yard to see
what else it could need. She had been meaning to remove the old pieces of a
broken sidewalk that ran through the middle of the yard so she started with
that. She took the broken pieces and stacked them, creating a wall. Even though
the sidewalk was broken into many pieces, she knew it could be used again in a
different way. Once the sidewalk pieces were cleared from the yard, she knew
what was missing from her garden. After a few phone calls, she found someone
that could help her build the missing element. She envisioned a river running
through the yard, but had no idea how to make it a reality. With the help of a
landscaper, in a few short days she had her river. All that was left for her to
do was to make the river blend with the rest of the yard. She took the pieces
of the broken sidewalk and used them to edge the water. She filled the base of
her river with colorful rocks that reflected the sun into a series of rainbows
and glistening waves of blues and greens and even reds. She watched the flow of
the water change as she added and removed rocks from the water. She noticed
that the water seemed determined to keep flowing. When the water faced a new
obstacle, it simply found another path to flow down. If an obstacle was removed,
the water flowed more rapidly and freely. She
recognized that like a river, she needed to be more fluid and flexible to
change. In order to keep going she had to adapt. The dreams and goals that she
once had with her husband did not need to be thrown away, just adapted.
She sat in her garden with her toes in the river, saw the
beautiful butterflies, and heard the rustling of the leaves of the apple tree
and knew that she had created something amazing. She found herself feeling truly
happy, not because everything was as she had planned it to be, but because she chose
to be happy. She had learned that she could choose to make herself miserable or
strong, the decision was hers each morning when she woke to face the day. Building the garden had given her a purpose, a
task to conquer each day. Now that it was complete, she woke each day ready to enjoy
the fruits of her labor. She now recognized that no one is given a good life or
a bad life, we are simply given a life. It is up to us to make our lives good or
bad. We are each the author of our own story.
From an article about the interconnectedness of the
universe she found the inspiration to make a change for herself. She had learned so much more from her garden
than she had ever thought was possible. She began her project with the hopes of
understanding how the energy of the world around her was connected, but she
learned so much more. She had come to see that you can learn much from the
world around you; The water, trees, flowers, and insects have much to teach, if
you only take the time to listen.
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